Phubbing: The Silent Relationship Pattern That Hurts More Than You Realize
By Chloë Bean, LMFT — Somatic Trauma Therapist for High-Achieving Women in Los Angeles, California
Most people don’t pick up their phone thinking, “I’m hurting my partner right now.”
But emotional impact doesn’t always match our intentions.
I was recently featured in the Toronto Sun discussing the emotional and relational impact of phubbing — the act of paying more attention to your phone than the person beside you. Inside my practice, I see how this seemingly tiny behavior can slowly create emotional distance, relationship anxiety and even trauma responses.
I spoke with journalist Simone Paget for the piece, and you can read the full article here:
👉 Phubbing: A Silent Relationship Killer
She and I explored why this pattern shows up so often in modern relationships and how attachment wounds and nervous-system overwhelm can make phones feel safer than connection.
This blog expands on the feature with a deeper somatic & attachment-focused look at why phubbing happens — and what couples can do to repair.
What Is Phubbing? Why Does It Hurt So Much?
Phubbing is when one partner looks at or scrolls through their phone while the other person is trying to connect. It often seems harmless:
"I’m just checking something."
"It will only take a second."
"I didn’t mean to ignore you."
But emotionally, it lands differently.
Phubbing isn’t really about the phone — it’s about presence.
Your nervous system picks up on the shift instantly:
I’m no longer important.
I feel invisible.
Why am I even sharing this?
For individuals with attachment wounds, relationship trauma, or chronic emotional invalidation, phubbing can trigger deep feelings of rejection.
Why We Reach for Our Phones: A Somatic Perspective
From a somatic therapy standpoint, most phubbing isn’t intentional — it’s a nervous-system strategy. The body often reaches for the phone to cope with:
emotional overwhelm
conflict discomfort
anxiety spikes
loneliness
boredom
stress after a long day
The phone becomes a way to numb, regulate, or avoid discomfort.
Your body isn’t trying to be rude.
It’s trying to manage something it doesn’t have capacity for.
How Phubbing Impacts Emotional Safety in a Relationship
Over time, phubbing can create:
1. Emotional Disconnection
Moments of closeness shrink.
2. Rising Attachment Anxiety
Partners may start seeking reassurance more frequently.
3. Communication Breakdowns
Misattunements become the norm; small hurts accumulate.
4. Worsening Conflict Cycles
Arguments escalate from a place of overwhelm, not intention.
5. A Sense of Not Being Chosen
Feeling “second to the phone” often echoes earlier relational wounds.
This pattern is often misinterpreted as “You don’t care about me” when the deeper issue is dysregulation, lack of presence, or burnout.
How to Know If Phubbing Is a Symptom of Something Deeper
Phubbing might point to:
emotional avoidance
conflict phobia
deeper loneliness
chronic overwhelm
attachment insecurity
trauma responses
relational patterns running on autopilot
If you notice these themes, it may help to explore how your nervous system reacts in moments of closeness, conflict, or vulnerability.
Somatic Tools to Interrupt Phubbing (And Rebuild Connection)
1. Pause for 5 seconds + check your body
Ask:
What sensation is here? Tightness? Anxiety? Numbness?
This short pause interrupts the autopilot reach-for-phone reflex.
2. Establish Phone-Free Micro-Moments
Rigid rules fail — rituals work:
No phones during meals
A 10-minute “reconnection window” after work
Gentle eye contact before scrolling
These moments strengthen safety.
3. Repair When It Happens
Try:
“I realize I drifted into my phone. I'm back now.”
Repair matters more than perfection.
4. If You’re the One Feeling Phubbed, Share Emotion — Not Blame
Say:
“When you look at your phone while I’m talking, I feel disconnected.”
instead of:
“You’re always on your phone.”
This keeps your partner out of defense mode.
5. Try a Co-Regulation Reset
Sit close, breathe together, offer grounding touch, or simply rest your feet on the floor at the same time.
These micro-moments repair the rupture the phone created.
⭐ Q&A: Common Questions About Phubbing
Q: Is phubbing a sign of a toxic relationship?
Not always. Phubbing can happen in loving relationships when one or both partners are overwhelmed, anxious, or burnt out. But when it becomes chronic or dismissive, it's worth exploring deeper relationship patterns.
Q: Why does phubbing trigger so much anger or anxiety?
Because it activates attachment systems. The body reads it as a loss of connection — even if the intention wasn’t harmful.
Q: How do I talk to my partner about phubbing without sounding controlling?
Use “impact” statements, not accusations.
For example:
“I feel alone when I’m sharing something and the phone becomes the priority.”
Q: What if my partner gets defensive every time I bring this up?
Defensiveness usually signals shame, fear, or dysregulation. This is where couples therapy or somatic work can help create safer conversations.
Q: Can we actually break the habit?
Yes — when couples focus on presence and repair rather than rigid phone rules, connection naturally returns.
If Phubbing Is Hurting Your Relationship, You’re Not Alone
Feeling dismissed, disconnected, or “second place to the phone” can bring up old wounds and activate deep attachment patterns. You don’t have to navigate that alone — and nothing is wrong with you for wanting more presence, safety, and emotional closeness.
I support women navigating:
emotional disconnection
anxious attachment
repeating relationship patterns
trauma responses in love
high-functioning anxiety and burnout
If you resonate with people-pleasing, over-functioning, or feeling responsible for keeping the relationship “holding together,” my free guide can help you start understanding the patterns underneath.
👉 Download the People-Pleaser Workbook
A free resource to help you understand why you ignore your own needs, how your nervous system responds in relationships, and what it looks like to step into self-trust again.
Or you can explore working together here:
👉 Work With Me (therapy in Los Angeles & online across California)
👉 Somatic Trauma Therapy (integrating EMDR, IFS & Somatic Experiencing)
You deserve a relationship — with yourself and others — that feels grounded, seen, and emotionally connected.