Phubbing and Relationship Trauma: A Somatic Trauma Therapist’s Perspective in Los Angeles
Chloë Bean, LMFT is a licensed somatic trauma therapist based in Los Angeles, specializing in anxiety, burnout, trauma, and nervous system healing for high-achieving women. Her work integrates somatic therapy, EMDR, and IFS to support lasting regulation, resilience, and relational healing.
Why Phubbing Can Feel So Painful in Close Relationships
Phubbing feels painful because it disrupts attunement, the moment-to-moment signals of presence and responsiveness that help the nervous system feel safe in connection. Human nervous systems rely on eye contact, attention, and emotional availability to regulate. When these cues are repeatedly interrupted, the body may register the experience as emotional absence or rejection, even if the mind knows the distraction is not intentional.
In romantic relationships, this can show up as anxiety, emotional shutdown, resentment, or heightened sensitivity to feeling unseen. Over time, repeated phone-related disconnection can erode trust and emotional regulation, especially for people with attachment wounds or past relational stress. What appears to be a habit can become a chronic relational stressor at the level of the nervous system.
Phubbing and Relationship Trauma: How Phone Distraction Affects Attachment and the Nervous System
Most people do not pick up their phone thinking, “I’m harming my relationship.” Yet from a nervous system perspective, repeated moments of disconnection can register as emotional threat.
As a somatic trauma therapist in Los Angeles, I see how phubbing, the habit of attending to a phone instead of the person in front of you, subtly disrupts safety, attachment, and emotional regulation. What looks small on the surface can activate trauma responses in the body, especially for individuals with a history of relational stress, anxiety, or emotional neglect.
This article explores phubbing through a somatic and attachment-informed lens, focusing on how the nervous system experiences these moments and what actually helps repair connection.
I was recently featured in the Toronto Sun discussing the emotional and relational impact of phubbing — the act of paying more attention to your phone than the person beside you. Inside my practice, I see how this seemingly tiny behavior can slowly create emotional distance, relationship anxiety and even trauma responses.
I spoke with journalist Simone Paget for the piece, and you can read the full article here:
Phubbing: A Silent Relationship Killer
She and I explored why this pattern shows up so often in modern relationships and how attachment wounds and nervous-system overwhelm can make phones feel safer than connection.
This blog expands on the feature with a deeper somatic & attachment-focused look at why phubbing happens — and what couples can do to repair.
What Is Phubbing and Why It Hurts More Than We Realize
Phubbing refers to giving attention to a phone instead of the person you are physically with. While often unintentional, the nervous system experiences these moments as a break in attunement. Over time, repeated micro-disconnects can erode trust and emotional safety in relationships.
Phubbing is when one partner looks at or scrolls through their phone while the other person is trying to connect. It often seems harmless:
"I’m just checking something."
"It will only take a second."
"I didn’t mean to ignore you."
But emotionally, it lands differently.
Phubbing isn’t really about the phone — it’s about presence.
Your nervous system picks up on the shift instantly:
I’m no longer important.
I feel invisible.
Why am I even sharing this?
For individuals with attachment wounds, relationship trauma, or chronic emotional invalidation, phubbing can trigger deep feelings of rejection.
How Phubbing Affects the Nervous System
From a somatic perspective, phubbing activates the nervous system’s threat detection. The body registers reduced eye contact, delayed responses, and divided attention as cues of relational danger, even when no harm is intended. This can lead to heightened anxiety, shutdown, or emotional withdrawal. This is why approaches like somatic trauma therapy that works with the body can be so effective in restoring a sense of safety and connection.
The body often reaches for the phone to cope with:
emotional overwhelm
conflict discomfort
anxiety spikes
loneliness
boredom
stress after a long day
The phone becomes a way to numb, regulate, or avoid discomfort.
Your body isn’t trying to be rude.
It’s trying to manage something it doesn’t have capacity for.
Phubbing, Attachement Wonds, and Trauma Responses
For individuals with attachment trauma or past emotional neglect, phubbing can echo earlier experiences of being unseen or deprioritized. These moments may trigger fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses, not because of the phone itself, but because the body remembers relational loss. For many people, especially those with a history of developmental or relational trauma, these reactions are rooted in deeper nervous system patterns often addressed through trauma-informed therapy for relational wounds.
Over time, phubbing can create:
1. Emotional Disconnection
Moments of closeness shrink.
2. Rising Attachment Anxiety
Partners may start seeking reassurance more frequently.
3. Communication Breakdowns
Misattunements become the norm; small hurts accumulate.
4. Worsening Conflict Cycles
Arguments escalate from a place of overwhelm, not intention.
5. A Sense of Not Being Chosen
Feeling “second to the phone” often echoes earlier relational wounds.
This pattern is often misinterpreted as “You don’t care about me” when the deeper issue is dysregulation, lack of presence, or burnout.
Why High-Functioning, Anxious People Feel This So Deeply
High-achieving and emotionally attuned individuals are often highly sensitive to relational cues. When attention shifts away, their nervous system may overwork to restore connection, leading to people-pleasing, hypervigilance, or self-blame rather than direct communication.
Phubbing might point to:
emotional avoidance
conflict phobia
deeper loneliness
chronic overwhelm
attachment insecurity
trauma responses
relational patterns running on autopilot
If you notice these themes, it may help to explore how your nervous system reacts in moments of closeness, conflict, or vulnerability.
A Somatic Approach to Repair After Phubbing
Repair after phubbing begins with nervous system awareness rather than blame. When attention drifts to a phone, the body often experiences a brief rupture in safety or connection. Slowing down, restoring eye contact, naming the moment, and re-establishing presence help signal safety again. In somatic and couples therapy, this work focuses on repairing moments of disconnection without criticism or defensiveness, supporting the body’s return to connection rather than simply talking through the conflict.
1. Pause for five seconds and check your body
Before reacting, pause briefly and notice what is happening inside.
Ask yourself: Is there tightness, anxiety, numbness, or irritation?
This pause interrupts the automatic reach-for-phone reflex and creates choice.
2. Create phone-free micro-moments
Rigid rules often backfire. Gentle rituals support safety and connection.
Examples include eating meals without phones, taking a short reconnection window after work, or making brief eye contact before scrolling. Small, consistent moments of presence matter more than perfection.
3. Repair when it happens
Disconnection is inevitable. Repair is what restores trust.
Simple language like, “I realize I drifted into my phone. I’m back now,” helps re-establish connection without escalating defensiveness.
4. Share emotion instead of blame
If you are the one feeling phubbed, naming the emotional impact is more regulating than accusation.
For example: “When you look at your phone while I’m talking, I feel disconnected,” rather than, “You’re always on your phone.”
This keeps the nervous system out of threat mode.
5. Use co-regulation to reset
Sit close, breathe together, offer grounding touch, or place your feet on the floor at the same time. These shared, embodied moments help repair the subtle rupture that phone distraction can create.
Q&A: Common Questions About Phubbing
Q: Is phubbing a sign of a toxic relationship?
Not always. Phubbing can happen in loving relationships when one or both partners are overwhelmed, anxious, or burnt out. But when it becomes chronic or dismissive, it's worth exploring deeper relationship patterns.
Q: Why does phubbing trigger so much anger or anxiety?
Because it activates attachment systems. The body reads it as a loss of connection — even if the intention wasn’t harmful.
Q: How do I talk to my partner about phubbing without sounding controlling?
Use “impact” statements, not accusations.
For example:
“I feel alone when I’m sharing something and the phone becomes the priority.”
Q: What if my partner gets defensive every time I bring this up?
Defensiveness usually signals shame, fear, or dysregulation. This is where couples therapy or somatic work can help create safer conversations.
Q: Can we actually break the habit?
Yes — when couples focus on presence and repair rather than rigid phone rules, connection naturally returns.
If Phubbing Is Hurting Your Relationship, You’re Not Alone
Feeling dismissed, disconnected, or “second place to the phone” can bring up old wounds and activate deep attachment patterns. You don’t have to navigate that alone — and nothing is wrong with you for wanting more presence, safety, and emotional closeness.
I support women navigating:
emotional disconnection
anxious attachment
repeating relationship patterns
trauma responses in love
high-functioning anxiety and burnout
If you resonate with people-pleasing, over-functioning, or feeling responsible for keeping the relationship “holding together,” my free guide can help you start understanding the patterns underneath.
Download the People-Pleaser Workbook
A free resource to help you understand why you ignore your own needs, how your nervous system responds in relationships, and what it looks like to step into self-trust again.
Or you can explore working together here:
Work With Me (Somatic and EMDR therapy in Los Angeles & online across California)
Somatic Trauma Therapy (integrating EMDR, IFS & Somatic Experiencing)
You deserve a relationship — with yourself and others — that feels grounded, seen, and emotionally connected.