The Somatic Cost of People-Pleasing: How Chronic “Niceness” Impacts Your Body and Relationships
Chloë Bean, LMFT is a licensed somatic trauma therapist based in Los Angeles, specializing in anxiety, burnout, trauma, and nervous system healing for high-achieving women. Her work integrates somatic therapy, EMDR, and IFS to support lasting regulation, resilience, and relational healing.
When Being “Nice” Becomes a Survival Strategy
People-pleasing often looks like kindness, flexibility, or being easy to work with. Beneath the surface, it is frequently a nervous system strategy shaped by early experiences where safety depended on keeping others comfortable.
Over time, chronic people-pleasing does not just affect emotional wellbeing. It impacts the body, relationships, and sense of self. From a somatic perspective, niceness can become a form of self-abandonment that keeps the nervous system stuck in survival mode.
In my recent feature on the What Your Therapist Thinks podcast, “Am I Just Nice or Am I a People Pleaser?”, I talked about how chronic people-pleasing keeps you and your body in survival mode. When your nervous system equates boundaries with danger, saying “no” can feel almost impossible.
Listen to the full episode on Apple Podcasts →
When Being Nice Becomes a Survival Strategy
People-pleasing is rarely a personality trait. It is more often a learned response to environments where conflict felt unsafe or where love felt conditional.
The nervous system adapts by prioritizing harmony over authenticity. Saying yes feels safer than saying no. Anticipating others’ needs feels protective. Over time, the body learns that approval equals safety.
This pattern can persist long after the original threat is gone.
Every time you override your body’s signals — saying yes when you mean no — your nervous system registers a subtle threat.
Over time, this can manifest as:
Tightness in the chest or jaw
Digestive distress or shallow breathing
Exhaustion, brain fog, or emotional numbness
Cycles of anxiety, burnout, or shutdown
These aren’t personality flaws. They’re physiological responses from a body that has learned people-pleasing feels safer than conflict — especially if you grew up with relational trauma or spent years in unhealthy relationship dynamics.
If you notice these patterns, Somatic Therapy in Los Angeles can help retrain your nervous system to feel safe expressing boundaries and needs.
How People-Pleasing Shows Up in the Nervous System
Chronic people-pleasing is associated with sustained nervous system activation. The body remains alert, scanning for cues of disapproval or tension.
Common somatic signs include:
Tightness in the chest, jaw, or throat
Shallow breathing or holding the breath
Digestive discomfort or chronic fatigue
Difficulty relaxing even during downtime
These symptoms are not random. They reflect a body that has learned to stay ready.
Many high-achieving women I work with describe feeling guilty for resting or anxious they’ll disappoint someone if they prioritize themselves.
That internal pressure slowly erodes joy, connection, and self-trust.
Through Somatic Experiencing (SE) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) work, we explore the parts of you that equate love with self-sacrifice. When those parts finally feel seen and safe, shame softens — and your system begins to rest and feel valued from within.
If this sounds familiar, my Stress & Burnout Therapy for High-Achieving Women page shares more tools for regulating your nervous system and building self-trust.
Why People-Pleasing Impacts Relationships Over Time
While people-pleasing may reduce conflict in the short term, it often creates distance over time.
When needs, limits, and preferences are consistently minimized, resentment can build. Relationships may begin to feel one-sided or emotionally unsafe. Intimacy becomes difficult when authenticity feels risky.
From a somatic lens, the nervous system struggles to feel truly connected when it is constantly performing for approval.
Chronic people-pleasing doesn’t just drain your energy — it rewires the way you relate to others:
Attracting partners or friends who depend on your over-giving
Staying connected through performance instead of authenticity
Reinforcing anxious attachment or emotional distance
Creating quiet resentment and disconnection
Noticing these cycles is the first step toward changing them. In my Toxic Relationship Therapy for Women in Los Angeles, we explore how to regulate your body so your relationships can feel mutual, not managed.
How Somatic Therapy Helps Heal People-Pleasing Patterns
Somatic therapy works with the body rather than against it. Instead of forcing new behaviors, it helps the nervous system experience safety while practicing boundaries, choice, and self-trust.
Through somatic trauma therapy, clients learn to notice internal signals, tolerate discomfort, and respond from regulation rather than reflex.
This process supports:
Clearer boundaries without guilt
Increased emotional presence
Reduced anxiety and physical tension
More authentic connection
Moving From Niceness to Self-Trust
Healing people-pleasing does not mean becoming uncaring or rigid. It means reconnecting with internal cues and allowing the body to guide decisions.
When the nervous system feels safe, authenticity becomes possible. Choice replaces compulsion. Relationships shift from performance to presence.
If you recognize yourself in these patterns and want to explore healing from a nervous system–informed perspective, you are welcome to contact Chloë Bean, LMFT to learn more about working together.
Somatic Research & Further Reading
Recent studies in Frontiers in Psychology (2021) highlight how emotional suppression and chronic appeasement correlate with heightened anxiety, inflammation, and depression. These findings align closely with what we see in somatic trauma therapy — the cost of “niceness” is carried by the body until it feels safe to rest.
Internal Resources to Explore
Each offers somatic tools and reflection prompts to help you move beyond survival mode.
FAQ | People-Pleasing & Somatic Therapy
Is people-pleasing a trauma response?
Yes. People-pleasing is often linked to the fawn response, a nervous system adaptation that develops when safety depended on appeasing others, avoiding conflict, or staying emotionally attuned to caregivers or partners.
How does people-pleasing affect the body?
Chronic people-pleasing keeps the nervous system in a state of heightened alert. Over time, this can show up as muscle tension, fatigue, digestive issues, anxiety, or difficulty relaxing, even when life appears calm on the outside.
How can somatic therapy help with people-pleasing?
Somatic therapy works directly with the nervous system to build a felt sense of safety. It helps clients notice internal cues, tolerate discomfort such as disappointing others, and practice boundaries without going into overwhelm or shutdown.
Can EMDR or IFS help heal people-pleasing patterns?
Yes. EMDR and Internal Family Systems help address the early relational experiences that taught the nervous system it was unsafe to express needs, set limits, or trust intuition. These approaches support lasting change rather than surface-level behavior shifts.
Do you offer virtual therapy for people-pleasing and anxiety?
Yes. I offer online somatic therapy across California and in-person sessions in West Los Angeles.