Am I a People Pleaser?
How Trauma, Anxiety, and Perfectionism Shape This Pattern
If you’ve ever found yourself saying “yes” when you wanted to say “no,” constantly second-guessing yourself in relationships, or feeling responsible for everyone else’s emotions, you might be caught in the cycle of people-pleasing.
This isn’t just about being “nice.” People-pleasing is often a survival strategy that develops when we grow up in environments where love felt conditional, conflict felt dangerous, or our needs weren’t met. Over time, it can show up as perfectionism at work, burnout and codependency in relationships, or anxiety when you try to set boundaries.
What It Really Means to Be a People Pleaser
People-pleasing isn’t a character flaw — it’s a nervous system response. When you fawn, you put others’ needs above your own to keep the peace and maintain connection. This might sound like:
Agreeing to plans you don’t want to do, then feeling resentful
Taking on extra work because you don’t want to “disappoint” your boss
Staying quiet in relationships to avoid conflict
Feeling guilty for resting, saying no, or asking for help
These patterns may feel automatic because they once kept you safe. But as an adult, they can leave you feeling unseen, drained, and disconnected from your authentic self.
Why High-Achieving Women Struggle With People-Pleasing
Many of the women I work with in California are ambitious, successful, and outwardly “put together.” Yet inside, they’re exhausted from trying to hold it all together.
Trauma, anxiety, and perfectionism often intertwine with people-pleasing in subtle ways:
Trauma & Attachment Wounds: Growing up with emotionally unavailable or critical caregivers can wire you to earn love by being “good” or easygoing.
Anxiety & Panic: Saying no feels terrifying because you fear rejection, abandonment, or criticism.
Perfectionism: You measure your worth by how well you can keep everyone happy, both at work and in relationships.
Toxic Relationships: Narcissistic partners or manipulative dynamics reinforce the belief that your value comes from self-sacrifice.
The result? You feel burned out, anxious, and unsure of who you are when you’re not performing for others.
How Therapy Helps You Break Free
People-pleasing isn’t something you can just “will away.” It requires nervous system healing and gentle self-integration. Approaches like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and Internal Family Systems (IFS) help you:
Reprocess the early experiences that wired you to please at all costs
Learn to listen to your body’s cues for safety and boundaries
Build a relationship with your inner parts (the one who fawns, the one who fears rejection, the one who longs to be authentic)
Practice saying “no” in a way that feels empowering, not terrifying
Healing doesn’t mean you stop caring about others. It means you finally care for yourself, too.
Why This Matters Now
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve already felt the toll of people-pleasing — whether that’s in your career, your friendships, or your love life. The good news is that you don’t have to keep repeating this cycle.
This is something I’ll be talking more about on an upcoming podcast feature, where I’ll share how high-achieving women can begin untangling from people-pleasing patterns and reconnect with their true voice.
Ready to See If You’re a People Pleaser?
If you’re wondering, “Am I a people pleaser?” I’ve created a free workbook with guided prompts to help you uncover where this pattern shows up in your life, how it impacts your nervous system, and what first steps you can take to shift it.
đź“Ą Download your free workbook: Am I a People Pleaser?
You don’t have to keep saying yes when your body is begging for no. With the right support, you can heal the deeper patterns of trauma, perfectionism, and anxiety — and finally trust yourself again.
đź“Ť I offer anxiety, trauma & relationship therapy in West Los Angeles and virtually throughout California. Book a free 15-minute consultation here.
Chloe Bean is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing West LA, California. She integrates Somatic Experiencing, IFS Therapy, and EMDR with traditional therapeutic approaches to support comprehensive healing from trauma, anxiety, burnout, body image issues, disordered eating, perfectionism, breakups, and toxic relationships.