Am I a People Pleaser? How Trauma, Anxiety, and Perfectionism Shape This Pattern
Chloë Bean, LMFT is a licensed somatic trauma therapist based in Los Angeles, specializing in anxiety, burnout, trauma, and nervous system healing for high-achieving women. Her work integrates somatic therapy, EMDR, and IFS to support lasting regulation, resilience, and relational healing.
Why People-Pleasing Is a Nervous System Survival Pattern
If you’ve ever found yourself saying “yes” when you wanted to say “no,” constantly second-guessing yourself in relationships, or feeling responsible for everyone else’s emotions, you might be caught in the cycle of people-pleasing.
This isn’t just about being “nice.” People-pleasing is often a survival strategy that develops when we grow up in environments where love felt conditional, conflict felt dangerous, or our needs weren’t met. Over time, it can show up as perfectionism at work, burnout and codependency in relationships, or anxiety when you try to set boundaries.
What It Really Means to Be a People Pleaser
People-pleasing isn’t a character flaw — it’s a nervous system response. When you fawn, you put others’ needs above your own to keep the peace and maintain connection. This might sound like:
Agreeing to plans you don’t want to do, then feeling resentful
Taking on extra work because you don’t want to “disappoint” your boss
Staying quiet in relationships to avoid conflict
Feeling guilty for resting, saying no, or asking for help
These patterns may feel automatic because they once kept you safe. But as an adult, they can leave you feeling unseen, drained, and disconnected from your authentic self.
Why High-Achieving Women Struggle With People-Pleasing
Many of the women I work with in California are ambitious, successful, and outwardly “put together.” Yet inside, they’re exhausted from trying to hold it all together.
Trauma, anxiety, and perfectionism often intertwine with people-pleasing in subtle ways:
Trauma & Attachment Wounds: Growing up with emotionally unavailable or critical caregivers can wire you to earn love by being “good” or easygoing.
Anxiety & Panic: Saying no feels terrifying because you fear rejection, abandonment, or criticism.
Perfectionism: You measure your worth by how well you can keep everyone happy, both at work and in relationships.
Toxic Relationships: Narcissistic partners or manipulative dynamics reinforce the belief that your value comes from self-sacrifice.
The result? You feel burned out, anxious, and unsure of who you are when you’re not performing for others.
How Therapy Helps You Break Free
People-pleasing isn’t something you can just “will away.” It requires nervous system healing and gentle self-integration. Approaches like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and Internal Family Systems (IFS) help you:
Reprocess the early experiences that wired you to please at all costs
Learn to listen to your body’s cues for safety and boundaries
Build a relationship with your inner parts (the one who fawns, the one who fears rejection, the one who longs to be authentic)
Practice saying “no” in a way that feels empowering, not terrifying
Healing doesn’t mean you stop caring about others. It means you finally care for yourself, too.
Why This Matters Now
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve already felt the toll of people-pleasing — whether that’s in your career, your friendships, or your love life. The good news is that you don’t have to keep repeating this cycle.
This is something I’ll be talking more about on an upcoming podcast feature, where I’ll share how high-achieving women can begin untangling from people-pleasing patterns and reconnect with their true voice.
Ready to See If You’re a People Pleaser?
If you’re wondering, “Am I a people pleaser?” I’ve created a free workbook with guided prompts to help you uncover where this pattern shows up in your life, how it impacts your nervous system, and what first steps you can take to shift it.
Download your free workbook: Am I a People Pleaser?
You don’t have to keep saying yes when your body is begging for no. With the right support, you can heal the deeper patterns of trauma, perfectionism, and anxiety — and finally trust yourself again.
I offer anxiety, trauma & relationship therapy in West Los Angeles and virtually throughout California. Book a free 15-minute consultation here.
Frequently Asked Questions About People-Pleasing
Is people-pleasing a trauma response?
People-pleasing is often a learned survival strategy rather than a personality trait. Many people develop it in environments where emotional safety depended on staying agreeable, anticipating others’ needs, or avoiding conflict. Over time, the nervous system learns that connection equals compliance, even when it comes at the expense of personal boundaries.
How is people-pleasing connected to anxiety?
People-pleasing is closely linked to anxiety because it keeps the nervous system in a state of hypervigilance. When you are constantly monitoring others’ reactions, your body stays alert to potential disapproval or rejection. This can lead to chronic worry, muscle tension, difficulty resting, and feeling responsible for other people’s emotions.
Can people-pleasing exist even if my childhood wasn’t “that bad”?
Yes. People-pleasing does not require overt trauma or obvious neglect. Subtle patterns like emotional inconsistency, high expectations, conflict avoidance, or needing to be “the good one” can shape this response. Trauma is defined by how the nervous system experienced safety, not by whether something looks severe from the outside.
How does people-pleasing affect relationships?
People-pleasing often creates imbalanced relationships where one person overfunctions while the other receives care, reassurance, or flexibility. Over time, this can lead to resentment, emotional exhaustion, loss of attraction, or feeling invisible in relationships. Healing involves learning to tolerate honesty, conflict, and mutuality without the nervous system going into threat mode.
What kind of therapy helps with people-pleasing patterns?
Trauma-informed and somatic therapies are especially effective for people-pleasing because they work with the nervous system, not just thoughts or behaviors. Approaches like Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, and Internal Family Systems help gently unwind the body-based fear that makes setting boundaries feel unsafe, allowing authentic self-expression to emerge over time.
Chloe Bean is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing West LA, California. She integrates Somatic Experiencing, IFS Therapy, and EMDR with traditional therapeutic approaches to support comprehensive healing from trauma, anxiety, burnout, body image issues, disordered eating, perfectionism, breakups, and toxic relationships.