Why Smart, High-Functioning Women Still Get Gaslit in Relationships

Chloë Bean, LMFT is a licensed somatic trauma therapist based in Los Angeles, specializing in anxiety, burnout, trauma, and nervous system healing for high-achieving women. Her work integrates somatic therapy, EMDR, and IFS to support lasting regulation, resilience, and relational healing.

Gaslighting Isn’t About Intelligence

As I recently shared in SW Newsmagazine, gaslighting often shows up in subtle but deeply destabilizing ways.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation in which someone causes you to question your memory, perception, or sense of reality in order to maintain control. Over time, it can erode your confidence and make you doubt what you know to be true.

Many of the early signs of gaslighting in a relationship don’t look dramatic at first. They look like self-doubt.

You might feel like you’re walking on eggshells — carefully monitoring what you say or how you say it to avoid upsetting the other person.

You might start second-guessing your memory. After conversations, you replay what happened and wonder: Did I overreact? Did I misunderstand? Am I the problem?

Over time, it moves into the body.

You notice anxiety before or after interactions. Your stomach tightens. Your appetite drops. You can’t fully relax around them. There’s a low-grade tension that never quite settles. You feel unsettled in a way that’s hard to name.

In my work with women healing from narcissistic abuse and high-conflict relationships, I see this pattern often.

And it’s not a sign that someone is unintelligent.

In fact, many of the women most vulnerable to gaslighting are highly self-aware, empathetic, and conscientious. They’re used to reflecting on their behavior. They care about getting it right. They want to avoid unnecessary conflict.

Gaslighting doesn’t work because someone is naïve.
It works because someone is trying to preserve connection.

If you grew up needing to read the room, smooth things over, or doubt your own reactions to keep the peace, your nervous system learned that harmony equals safety.

The nervous system often confuses familiar with safe. If love once felt inconsistent, critical, unpredictable, or conditional, your body may register similar dynamics as “chemistry” in adulthood.

Someone stable, consistent, and emotionally available may not feel immediately electric. They don’t love bomb. They don’t destabilize you.

And because that dynamic is unfamiliar, it can feel uncertain — even threatening.

Choosing someone healthy sometimes means choosing something unknown. It means risking being fully seen without chaos. And for many high-achieving, self-critical women, that kind of safety can feel more vulnerable than dysfunction.

Why Empathetic, High-Achieving Women Are Especially Vulnerable

One of the most misunderstood truths about gaslighting is this:

It often targets the most conscientious and anxious person in the relationship.

In the SW Newsmagazine piece, I shared that people who are empathetic, conflict-avoidant, perfectionistic, or highly self-reflective are often more vulnerable to emotional manipulation.

Not because they’re weak.

Because they’re thoughtful.

If you’re someone who:

Assumes good intentions

Reflects on your own behavior first

Wonders how you could have handled something better

Prioritizes harmony over confrontation

Never quite feels “good enough”

You are more likely to internalize blame when something feels off.

Instead of thinking, “That was manipulative,” you think,

“Maybe I misunderstood.”

Instead of thinking, “That crossed a boundary,” you think,

“Maybe I’m being too sensitive.”

This is why signs of gaslighting in a relationship can be so hard to spot when you’re inside it.

Your empathy becomes weaponized against you.

High-achieving women are especially susceptible because they are used to self-improvement. If something isn’t working, they look inward. They optimize and they adapt. This pattern can turn into over-functioning or codependent dynamics, where you carry disproportionate responsibility for the emotional stability of the relationship.

Gaslighting thrives in that environment.

If someone denies obvious facts or rewrites history, your first instinct may not be anger. It may be analysis.

You replay conversations. You search for nuance. You gather evidence. You try harder.

Over time, this creates a painful loop:

You question yourself → you over-function → the other person avoids accountability → you question yourself more.

And underneath all of it is a nervous system trying to keep the relationship intact.

If you learned early on that love required performance, emotional management, or minimizing your own reactions, gaslighting can hook into that conditioning quickly.

This isn’t about intelligence.

This often connects to anxious attachment patterns, where independence coexists with deep fear of abandonment.

The Nervous System Dynamics of Gaslighting (Why It Feels So Confusing — and Hard to Leave)

Gaslighting doesn’t just affect your thoughts.

It recruits your nervous system.

When someone alternates between love bombing and destabilizing behavior — intense affection followed by denial, blame, or emotional withdrawal — your body gets pulled into a cycle of activation and relief.

Intermittent reinforcement is powerful.

The moments of warmth, closeness, or apology trigger oxytocin and dopamine. You feel connected again. Hopeful. Relieved.

Then something happens.

They deny what was said. They minimize your feelings. They suggest you’re overreacting.

Your body shifts into anxiety. Cortisol rises. Your heart races. You feel unsettled and hyper-focused on repairing the rupture.

This dynamic is closely related to and can make it incredibly difficult to leave.

It’s not weakness.

It’s neurobiology.

When your nervous system is repeatedly activated and then soothed by the same person, it can start to associate anxiety with attachment. The relief after conflict can feel intensely bonding — even addictive.

This is one reason emotional manipulation in dating relationships can feel so destabilizing. You’re not just debating facts. Your body is trying to regain equilibrium.

And here’s where many high-functioning women get stuck:

Anxiety can feel like chemistry.

Intensity can feel like passion.

Uncertainty can feel like desire.

But stability — real emotional safety — often feels unfamiliar at first.

If you grew up in environments where love was inconsistent, critical, or unpredictable, your nervous system may interpret calm as boring and volatility as exciting.

Gaslighting deepens that confusion because it disconnects you from your internal signals. Instead of trusting the tightness in your chest or the unease in your stomach, you override it.

You tell yourself you’re overthinking.

You try harder.

You explain yourself more clearly.

Meanwhile, your body is still bracing.

Over time, this chronic activation can lead to anxiety, sleep disruption, digestive issues, lowered immune function, and difficulty concentrating. Not because you’re dramatic — but because your system has been living in survival mode.

Understanding the nervous system component of gaslighting is critical for healing.

You don’t break the cycle by arguing better.

You break it by restoring internal safety.

Why We Mistake “Having a Type” for Compatibility

In a recent feature in New York Post, I weighed in on the viral “celebrity crush test” — the idea that someone’s celebrity crush reveals their dating preferences or compatibility.

While trends like this can feel playful, they also reveal something deeper: many of us believe we can predict relationship success by identifying “our type.”

But your type isn’t just about appearance or personality traits.

It’s often about nervous system familiarity.

If you’re repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable, intense, or unpredictable partners, it’s rarely random.

Your body recognizes something.

And recognition can feel like safety — even when it isn’t.

For someone healing from gaslighting or emotional manipulation in dating, this is important to understand.

Attraction is not proof of alignment.

Chemistry is not proof of safety.

Intensity is not proof of compatibility.

Sometimes “having a type” simply means you’re gravitating toward what your nervous system learned early on — not necessarily what will support you long-term.

And stepping outside of that type can feel deeply uncomfortable at first.

Choosing someone steady and kind might not spark immediate fireworks.

It might feel quiet. Neutral. Uncertain.

But unfamiliar does not mean wrong.

Often, it means your nervous system is encountering something new.

How to Break the Gaslighting Cycle and Rebuild Trust in Yourself

If you recognize yourself in this dynamic, the first step isn’t confronting the other person more effectively.

It’s reconnecting with your own internal reality.

Gaslighting works by destabilizing your sense of what’s true. Healing begins by restoring that internal anchor.

Here are a few trauma-informed ways to start:

1. Document interactions.

Not to obsess — but to ground yourself. Writing down what was said or what happened can interrupt the slow erosion of your memory and perception.

2. Reality-check with safe people.

Gaslighting thrives in secrecy. Talking through interactions with a trusted friend, therapist, or support system can help recalibrate your perspective.

3. Pay attention to your body.

Before your mind fully registers something is off, your nervous system usually does. Tightness in your chest. A knot in your stomach. A sense of bracing. These cues matter.

4. Notice chronic self-blame.

If you consistently leave interactions feeling like everything is your fault — even when the facts don’t fully support that — pause. That pattern is information.

5. Consider disengagement over persuasion.

Many high-functioning women try to explain themselves better, clarify more clearly, or argue more logically. But gaslighting isn’t resolved through better communication. It’s resolved through boundaries — and sometimes distance is crucial.

And if the pattern is deeply ingrained — especially if there’s trauma bonding, narcissistic abuse, or a long history of emotional manipulation — you don’t have to untangle it alone.

Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you:

Restore internal safety

Rebuild trust in your perception

Interrupt attachment patterns

Regulate the nervous system so decisions come from clarity rather than activation

For some women, weekly therapy is enough. For others — especially when the dynamic feels acute or destabilizing — a focused therapy intensive can provide deeper momentum in a shorter period of time.

The goal isn’t just to leave a gaslighting relationship.

It’s to strengthen your internal compass so you don’t abandon yourself in the process.

Because the opposite of gaslighting isn’t just truth.

It’s self-trust.

Q&A: Common Questions About Gaslighting

Q: What are the early signs of gaslighting in a relationship?

Early signs of gaslighting in a relationship often include walking on eggshells, second-guessing your memory, feeling chronically at fault, replaying conversations on a loop, and experiencing anxiety or physical tension around the person. Over time, you may start trusting their version of events more than your own perception.

Q: Is gaslighting always intentional?

Gaslighting is typically a pattern of emotional manipulation used to maintain power or avoid accountability. While some individuals may not consciously label their behavior as gaslighting, the impact remains harmful when someone repeatedly distorts reality and undermines your sense of truth.

Q: Why is gaslighting so hard to leave?

Gaslighting is often paired with intermittent reinforcement — periods of warmth or love bombing followed by destabilization. This cycle can create trauma bonding, where your nervous system becomes attached to the relief that follows distress, making it difficult to disengage.

Q: Can therapy help with gaslighting recovery?

Yes. Trauma-informed therapy can help rebuild self-trust, regulate your nervous system, interrupt attachment patterns, and process the emotional impact of narcissistic abuse or emotional manipulation.

If you’re currently navigating a toxic relationship dynamic, you may find it helpful to explore my page on [Toxic Relationship Therapy for Women in Los Angeles] (internal link).

Next Steps for Gaslighting Recovery and Relationship Support:

If you’re currently navigating a toxic relationship dynamic, you may find it helpful to explore my page on Toxic Relationship Therapy for Women in Los Angeles.

I offer Somatic Trauma Therapy in Los Angeles and online across California, integrating EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Somatic Experiencing.

If you’re healing from gaslighting, emotional manipulation, or toxic relationship patterns, therapy can help you rebuild self-trust and restore internal safety.

You deserve a relationship — with yourself and others — that feels grounded, safe, and emotionally connected.