Why It’s So Hard to Move On from a Toxic Relationship (Even When You Know You Should)
“You Look Fine. So Why Do You Feel Like You’re Falling Apart?”
Breakups are hard — but some breakups feel impossible to move on from. Especially when the relationship was toxic or emotionally unsafe. The mental loop of “What happened? Was it me? Will I ever feel normal again? What is wrong with me?” can become all-consuming.
If you find yourself replaying conversations in your head, stalking your ex’s social media, or feeling like you should be over it by now but aren’t… I am here to tell you that I get it and I know you will not be stuck here forever.
High-achieving and high-functioning women often blame themselves for staying too long, for still wishing it they could have had more control over the situation, or for not healing fast enough. But what most people don’t understand is that this pattern of “holding on” is actually trying to protect you.
The Hidden Link Between Toxic Relationships and Childhood Trauma
Maybe you grew up with emotionally unavailable parents/caregivers, inconsistent love, or you had to take care of everyone around you in order to feel some safe and in control. Your nervous system might be operating from a belief that love involves “chaos, inconsistency, or over-functioning”.
Toxic relationships often trigger these old wounds. This is an opportunity for growth — it’s about healing the parts of you that still long to be taken care of.
From a trauma-informed lens, rumination isn’t just “overthinking.” It’s a survival response. It’s your system trying to still get your needs met even if this way of operating is not working, it is all it knows. It is working so hard to understand a very chaotic situation.
Why Your Brain Won’t Stop Thinking About Them
From an IFS (Internal Family Systems) perspective, the part of you ruminating is working overtime to protect a more vulnerable part — maybe the part that still feels unlovable, abandoned, or unworthy of being taken care of.
From a Somatic Experiencing lens, this rumination may be a sign that your nervous system is stuck in a survival freeze, flight, or fight state — unable to complete the stress response cycle in order to feel safe.
And in EMDR therapy, we see how certain memories — especially confusing or traumatic ones — don’t get processed correctly by the brain, causing intrusive thoughts and stuck feelings. The narrative continues to play over and over again, and it can feel impossible to experience anything else.
In other words, your mind isn’t malfunctioning. These are healthy responses to an unhealthy situation. Your body and brain are actually doing their best to help you survive.
So How Do You Actually Start to Heal?
💫 Start by acknowledging the part of you that’s ruminating — not as a problem, but as a protector. You might sense how it feels in your body when this one is present. You can try connecting with it by saying:
“I hear you. I know you're struggling and you are working so hard to try to help. What do you need right now?”
💫 Come back to your body. Try this simple grounding practice:
Place one hand on your chest, one on your belly. Inhale slowly for 4 counts, exhale for 6. Feel where your body meets the steady surface beneath you. You’re here. You’re alive.
💫 Limit contact with your ex’s social media, and notice which “parts” get activated when your ex pops into your mind. Do they feel young? Panicked? Try to meet them with curiosity, not shame.
💫 Reclaim your rhythm. What rituals can you return to that connect you back to you? If it feels hard to remember how things felt before, try seeing this as the beginning of your new story. What feels nurturing? What do you want to include in your life moving forward? Is it movement, music, art, nature, new friendships, or therapy?
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Somatic Trauma Therapy can offer the safety and structure your system needs in order to move from survival mode to deep healing and thriving. Whether you’re navigating a breakup, healing from a toxic dynamic, or stuck in overthinking patterns, I offer weekly therapy sessions and one-time deeper healing intensives to help you reconnect with yourself.
👉 Or start with weekly somatic therapy sessions
You’re not too much. You’re not too sensitive.
You’re starting to heal from what happened — and becoming the version of you that no longer settles for survival.
P.S. A book I often recommend to high-achieving and high-functioning anxious women navigating heartbreak and self-worth struggles is Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It breaks down attachment styles in relationships and helps you understand why you stay — and how to choose differently next time.
Or, Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood is a classic that explores the link between childhood wounding and toxic patterns in love.📍 I offer anxiety and trauma therapy in West Los Angeles and online throughout California.
💛 You don’t have to carry it all alone anymore. Book a free 20-minute consultation here.
Chloe Bean is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing West LA, California. She integrates Somatic Experiencing, IFS Therapy, and EMDR with traditional therapeutic approaches to support comprehensive healing from trauma, anxiety, burnout, body image issues, disordered eating, perfectionism, and toxic relationships.